Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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