My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize