She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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