if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
