i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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