My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
