alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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