Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
