dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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