Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
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