God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
