I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
