When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
