3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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