Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize