I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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