So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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