Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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