my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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