Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
