I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
