If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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