I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Pants 0. Shit 1.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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