I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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