two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
my liver is dry heaving
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