my mouth tastes like poor choices
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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