census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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