Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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