I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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