I wish my penis had an off switch
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
