Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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