it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
