I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
