i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
