You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
and she was petting her beer can
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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