I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
