oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize