Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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