His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
