i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm gonna have a badass scar
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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