I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
