my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
