If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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