Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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