I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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