oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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