I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
