I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How does one acquire holy water?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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