Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
