i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
not ubering you a puppy
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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