Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
