sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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