I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
