closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
