Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
