You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
